HomeEntertainmentBar Talk... "Warm Florida...

Bar Talk… “Warm Florida Coats”

Bartenders are listeners.

You sit at the bar. You drink. The Bartender listens.

The topics can be tricky.

The patron’s ex-wife.

This one is real tricky.

The bartender has to try to kill this conversation because the person to the left is somebody’s ex-wife and the guy to the right is going out with an ex-wife.

The patron talking about his ex-wife is not a happy guy.  He gets a couple of drinks in he will get morose and then the bar will get morose and morose people tip poorly.

Politics. Not good right now. Republicans are morose.

Religion. Fire and damnation. Morose.

The Floridian’s Favorite Warm Coat. This is one of my favorites.

Every Floridian has one warm coat he wears during those coupla weeks in December when the Canadians slip us a couple of those too-dam-cold “Canadian Cold Fronts.”

This week that one warm coat is heading to hibernation in the back of the closet but next October it will be back again.

By October we will be sick of the heat and overjoyed to welcome that first, refreshing cool front.

People will laugh and drink and dance naked in the streets.

By December some of those cold fronts will get fiercer and colder and more belligerent.

There will be bitterly cold “Canadian Cold Fronts.” Dam Canadians.

Those warm coats will climb back out of their closets and the locals and their warm coats will march into the bar like critters marching into the ark – arm in arm – two by two.

On those cold nights it is as if every bar stool has two guests – the patron and their coat.

The coats are introduced to the bartender and the other patrons in the bar.

“I got this coat from my sister’s ex-husband – he played football at Notre Dame. SOB is still behind in alimony and I’m keeping the dam coat.”

“I got this coat from the mayor of Buffalo – we got raided in a poker game and he had to rush out without it.”

“I got this coat in Failene’s basement for a dollar in ’72.”

There is always a lady in a great big fur – testimony to acres of forest denuded of small animals.

The lady with the fur loves her coat – as martinis slide down she begins to slide deeper into the fur and the warm, romantic memories of her lost youth.

“Ralph gave me this coat after he got back from Vegas”.

A guilty fur coat.

I’ll miss the winter coat talk. Memories of winter coat convesations will keep me cooler in the hot days from now until the next “big chill” in October.

One dog day in September, when the heat is cruel and relentles and crushing, I will dig around in the trunk at the back of the closet for my special warm coat.

I will slide into it like an old boot and go sit by the pool in the white hot sun and I will dream of cold fronts and all my friends around the bar in their special coats – shiny suede, broken zippers, mismatched buttons and matted sheepskin collars.

I will look forward to cooler days again and I will wonder what Ralph did in Vegas that was so bad he had to buy that fur.

Most Popular

More from Author

A writing respite

Cooking and writing are fun. It is time for more cooking fun. The...

A belated Mother’s Day missive

People ask me if my mom taught me how to cook. Truth...

The Stanley Cup and poutine

Canada's two greatest exports have a shared heritage. I am talking poutine...

They are leaving… you can come out now

For years now the Beach Bistro runs an ad every May. It...

Floridian Mortgage wins championship

ANNA MARIA – Spring has sprung and winter sports at The Center are coming to a close, with team Floridian Mortgage earning the win against team Moss Builders Thursday night in the adult co-ed flag football championship game. The top two teams in the league matched up in...

Man completes Chamber passport program in five hours

ANNA MARIA ISLAND - The annual Anna Maria Island Chamber of Commerce’s Passport Program is a fun way for residents and visitors to the Island to get out and discover Island businesses with a passport offered for free by the chamber. Participants are encouraged to get their passports...

One ARK Foundation raises funds for foster families

live music, delicious food and spirited fundraising as the One ARK Foundation held its second annual “Kindness Matters Extravaganza” at The Cheesecake Cutie & Cafe on March 21. “One ARK” stands for “one act of random kindness” and is a newly-established 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization founded by The Cheesecake...

Save our homes

This column should be titled “Save our Taxes,” since that’s what we’re really talking about. However, saving on property taxes is part of the Save Our Homes benefits and portability transfers are another piece of this law. In January of 2008, the Florida Legislature passed legislation that allows...

 Reel Time: Salon fundraiser meets with success

Salon (noun) - a conversational gathering of notables held at the home of a prominent person. On Saturday afternoon, Suncoast Waterkeeper held its Suncoast Salon fundraiser at the Sarasota home of Anna Maria residents Bill and Debbie Partridge. The event was a sellout and attracted some of...

Temporary paid parking vendors hired

BRADENTON BEACH – City commissioners considered four temporary use parking permits at the March 21 commission meeting and after much discussion, approved three with stipulations, denying one. Permit applications were submitted by developer Shawn Kaleta for temporary parking lots at 102 Third St. N., 207 Church Ave. and...

Fire department sued over rental regulations

BRADENTON – Almost a year after passing a resolution changing the district’s approach to taxing and inspecting vacation rental properties in residential areas, West Manatee Fire Rescue is receiving pushback from one rental owner. During a March 19 commission meeting, the district’s attorney, Maggie Mooney, informed the board...

Bridge Street traffic, parking among commission concerns

BRADENTON BEACH – In what was an unusually lengthy, seven-hour city commission meeting that began at noon on March 21, commissioners dove into parking and traffic issues, pickleball and organ donation. BRIDGE STREET ONE WAY? A Bridge Street business owner asked the commission to consider making Bridge Street one...

Scaccianoce new Bradenton Beach commissioner

BRADENTON BEACH – Ward 1 has a new commissioner. The application for commissioner by business owner and former Manatee County records manager Deborah Scaccianoce was approved by the commission and she was sworn in at its March 21 meeting. She filled the vacant seat left by former Commissioner Jake...

Kruse talks beach parking, Island consolidation

HOLMES BEACH – About two dozen people came out on March 20 to meet with Manatee County Commissioner George Kruse, bringing their questions for the candidate, who is seeking re-election in November. Kruse held a town hall meeting at the Island Branch Library where he answered every question...

Commissioners deny bids for paid parking

BRADENTON BEACH – Rather than partnering with an outside vendor as planned, commissioners are now considering city-managed paid parking lots throughout Bradenton Beach. The city had put out a Request for Proposals (RFP) on Feb. 9 to “Provide the City with a complete parking management and enforcement system...